Junko's Testimony
My Testimony
Junko Suzuki
I took leave of absence from my university in summer of 1997. My dream came true, and I got to spend a year in Prince Edward Island, Canada, where my favorite novel Anne of Green Gables was written.
It was University of Prince Edward Island (UPEI) where I actually studied, but the base of my activity was on Maritime Christian College (MCC), situated just across the road from the university. I was going to live at the dormitory of UPEI, but, with the recommendation of my host family during August, I “happened to” live at MCC. (Not really “happen to”, but this I later find out.) The attribute of being “Christian College” did not mean anything to me then; I chose MCC just because I considered it better in terms of other conditions. I was only renting a room.
I had little knowledge about Christianity, getting it only through history classes at school, and I had even no idea about what “religion” was, which I think is the normal situation of Japanese people. This means I was suddenly thrown into a total strange life style, surrounded by devout, mostly young Christians 24 hours 365 days.
＜explanation about my life before I went to Canada; my background＞
＜about MCC: a small college with less than thirty students including part-time.＞
People around MCC (students, teachers, supervisor etc.) They unexceptionally gave me ever favorable impressions---they were kind, friendly, considerate, and thoughtful---yet they had funny or crazy aspects as well, just like other youth.(they are not saints, of course). They never left me out---always invited me to their activities, but with no pressure. In any way, They were so different from my same-age university students in Japan.
At the same time I was attracted to their personalities, I was quite impressed with their “faith”, witnessing the live worship or their assemblies. My first impression was simple enough; how often they sing in this religion! That was all the more good to me, for I originally enjoyed singing; I was taking those opportunities as replacements of going to Karaoke. With such an unrespectable motive, I joined many different kinds of activities whenever I had time―――going to church on Sundays, Chapel services on Wednesdays, Youth Group on Friday evenings, and so on.
As you can imagine, it was not long before I faced the first barrier as I actively tried to learn more. A month later, whether I wished or not, I somehow came to grasp the very basic teachings of Christianity. What I have got, then, was the natural rejection that I could not be a part of them, or could not accept their belief while I could enjoy being with them as an observer.
Music played a vital role for my God-seeking process. Many hymns and praise songs were really eye-opening to me in that they were a new genre of songs to me---songs to worship God. There were so many nice songs, but when it came to the lyrics, I often didn’t understand what they meant, and what was worse, they sometimes sounded weird or even dangerous to sing out; like “Jesus is alive”, “God loves me”, and “We are sinners”…, all of these didn’t make any sense to me.
To be honest, I was rather uncomfortable when a lot of songs repeated “Jesus”, “God”, and “the Holy Spirit”. In addition, my friends, in spite of their youth, gathered often and prayed together, spending most of their time in the activities at MCC. As I said the above, I appreciated their sincerity on one hand, but on the other hand, I kept a secret distance, thinking they were too absorbed in their belief to see the reality.
By October, I found myself envying my friends. In other words, I had noticed that they had something that I didn’t have; they seemed spiritually secured, content with who they were, and filled with peace. That was exactly the opposite of myself at that time and in the past; I almost intuitively sensed that they were truly accepting themselves and living lives with joy.
This also meant that I had to face the fact that my seemingly successful life was never completely a satisfying one, which I had been sensing but unwilling to admit it. It was mortifying in a sense to be touched to the deepest spot within myself where I wanted to keep it as a secret. Now my pretension and hypocrisy was exposed. I began to wish, then, to break the invisible wall between my friends and me, not satisfied with the status of an “observer” any more.
There were many obstacles; one of them is the realization of “sin”. I was mixing it up with “crime”, which strictly meant violating the socially constructed law. I thought I was not so bad as to commit a “crime”, and so appeared my friends. I wondered why they were so humbling to think that they were so bad or “sinners”.
I was also quite doubtful about the power of prayer. In my mindset, if you had wishes or desires, you should try through your own efforts to make them reality, or nothing would happen; I was thinking only “I” was reliable or responsible, and I even despised inwardly the idea of dreams coming true only by praying; it just seemed nonsense. You can see that I was so self-dependant, but I had to be, because I didn’t know any other way. Since tonight is mainly about prayer, I’d like to come back to this topic again later.
In the same way, lyrics such as “serve the Lord”, “offer my life”, or “sacrifice my body” were totally out of question for me. My life was mine, and I had many things to do in future; so I thought I wouldn’t want to “waste” my precious time so much on such things as going to church or praying all the time.
The biggest barrier, I guess, was to accept God’s love that integrated all those elements. It was clear that their happiness, freedom, and satisfaction, which I was in want and desperately in need, were based on this belief that God loves each one of them deeply. I suffered all the more and got disappointed because I couldn’t have them, for I didn’t understand God’s love. I vainly deceived myself to hide my struggle, trying to see the unscientific side of their faith. My soul was thirsty, however, and wondering day and night how I could know God’s love. I even prayed in my heart, though half in doubt, that God would show His love to me, and I was thinking if He did, I would accept Him. That’s like testing-God attitude when I look back now, but that was the reality then.
Matthew 7:7 says “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” One morning in early November, calmly yet surely, the door was opened and God came into my heart in a gentle though powerful way; He had revealed His love for in answer to my poor prayers.
It was a usual morning with nothing extraordinary, but I found myself refreshed and filled with peace when I woke up. The world looked brighter, and my heart was somehow lighter. And then on, every day contained surprising blessings; people had been ever good to me, and I could see some remarkable progress in my English as well. Schoolwork was also getting under way. It was amazing.
As an another aspect of change, I used to be very indecisive, stopping for every single decision whether it’s serious or trivial. And yet, I had hardly felt at peace with those decisions. I would start regretting soon or worry over them more than necessary. This habit stopped, however, on the spot, and it became so much easier to make any kind of decision. I only had the strange conviction that this was the right choice, and it actually turned out to be so without exception. Even the little daily events seemed to be happening with purpose, and I was only amazed at how well all things worked together. I think I was experiencing what it is like to be filled with the Holy Spirit and be guided by Him.
Then, a natural question came into my mind; “why such good things were happening to me although I didn’t do anything special? To whom should I give thanks for these blessings?” Then and not till then, I came to relate this happiness to “God’s love”. Ah, this must be the indication of God’s love for me!
Everything seemed to make sense with this discovery; I naturally came to accept all what I did not understand before. It was as if entangled strings beautifully got straightened up. I learned it with my heart, not with my head/brain.
I guess I had been trying so hard to live the best life with my own effort by every time making the best choice; I had often been hard on myself and even others, which only produced disappointment or discouragement, rarely free from regrets and worries. That’s why, I think, it was such a releasing experience when this kind of my past attitude was put in question and gotten over.
Since then I have learned to enjoy just being myself; other people’s eyes didn’t essentially affect me any more. It was an inexplicable relief that God was in control and I did not have to lead my life on my own. It may seem obeying God’s will and making my own decision were contradictory to each other, but, in reality, they were only two sides of one coin.
Without notice, my “emptiness” and “loneliness”, haunted in the heart for a long time, had disappeared like the snow melting before sunshine. What’s left or replaced were “joy” and “happiness” of living, “gratitude” for everything, and “love” for others.
I had made up my mind, by then, to get baptized and become a Christian. To be more precise, I just couldn’t wait for it; since God faithfully showed His love for me, I wanted to respond to Him by what I can do first as a follower of Christ. At the same time, I also wanted to express my gratitude to my friends by this who’s been supporting me in many different ways. I did take my time though to ask for permission of my family in Japan, which was unsuccessful, to discuss with my friends about the situation when I go back to Japan, and so on. After those periods, on December 7th, 1997, I was baptized.
Now I can tell that my year off for the sake of Anne of Green Gables was actually planned for me to meet God. When I think about the course of my life, there was so little on which I made the choice――I didn’t choose the specific host family in summer, Coming to love at MCC as a result was most unexpected, yet it was the key to my salvation. God has prepared the way long before I was conscious like Psalm 139 says. It looks even silly that I was thinking I had been living with my own strength.
As you can see, my view of life had completely changed in less than half a year since I left Japan. In reality, the spiritual uplift described above didn’t last long; I had to realize with great pain and sorrow that life did not get easy just because I became a Christian, or that the case was even to the contrary. I got discouraged many times, feeling as if I went back to the old self. Yet, in those shaky moments, the strong assurance and the joy of this first experience have been sustaining my walk with Him.
As I promised, I’d like to come back to the part about prayer and ‘d like to share the most updated testimony.
＜A chat with Michelle＞ One of my friends, by MSN Messenger just recently, revealed that my friends had been praying for me since I arrived there.---that I feel welcomed, that we can become good friends, she said they prayed for opportunities, and that God’s love would reach me and would consume me. As I said, they were never pushing or preachy, just always included me in their activities, or just being there as friends. Yet behind those scenes, prayers were lifted up for me, and of course, God answered them. I kind of began to guess so, when I started to pray for someone’s salvation, which I do now and the list is quite long, maybe my friends at the time would have been praying for me, yet was never sure until a few days ago. So, it was really a beautiful revelation and the late-blossomed blessing, and now once again, I am more convinced of the power of prayer.
I believe believing in God and believing in prayer, in other words, faith and prayer go or work hand in hand. We pray because we know there’s someone who’s listening, and we pray because we trust He—the Mighty One will answer our prayers.
Junko Suzuki
I took leave of absence from my university in summer of 1997. My dream came true, and I got to spend a year in Prince Edward Island, Canada, where my favorite novel Anne of Green Gables was written.
It was University of Prince Edward Island (UPEI) where I actually studied, but the base of my activity was on Maritime Christian College (MCC), situated just across the road from the university. I was going to live at the dormitory of UPEI, but, with the recommendation of my host family during August, I “happened to” live at MCC. (Not really “happen to”, but this I later find out.) The attribute of being “Christian College” did not mean anything to me then; I chose MCC just because I considered it better in terms of other conditions. I was only renting a room.
I had little knowledge about Christianity, getting it only through history classes at school, and I had even no idea about what “religion” was, which I think is the normal situation of Japanese people. This means I was suddenly thrown into a total strange life style, surrounded by devout, mostly young Christians 24 hours 365 days.
＜explanation about my life before I went to Canada; my background＞
＜about MCC: a small college with less than thirty students including part-time.＞
People around MCC (students, teachers, supervisor etc.) They unexceptionally gave me ever favorable impressions---they were kind, friendly, considerate, and thoughtful---yet they had funny or crazy aspects as well, just like other youth.(they are not saints, of course). They never left me out---always invited me to their activities, but with no pressure. In any way, They were so different from my same-age university students in Japan.
At the same time I was attracted to their personalities, I was quite impressed with their “faith”, witnessing the live worship or their assemblies. My first impression was simple enough; how often they sing in this religion! That was all the more good to me, for I originally enjoyed singing; I was taking those opportunities as replacements of going to Karaoke. With such an unrespectable motive, I joined many different kinds of activities whenever I had time―――going to church on Sundays, Chapel services on Wednesdays, Youth Group on Friday evenings, and so on.
As you can imagine, it was not long before I faced the first barrier as I actively tried to learn more. A month later, whether I wished or not, I somehow came to grasp the very basic teachings of Christianity. What I have got, then, was the natural rejection that I could not be a part of them, or could not accept their belief while I could enjoy being with them as an observer.
Music played a vital role for my God-seeking process. Many hymns and praise songs were really eye-opening to me in that they were a new genre of songs to me---songs to worship God. There were so many nice songs, but when it came to the lyrics, I often didn’t understand what they meant, and what was worse, they sometimes sounded weird or even dangerous to sing out; like “Jesus is alive”, “God loves me”, and “We are sinners”…, all of these didn’t make any sense to me.
To be honest, I was rather uncomfortable when a lot of songs repeated “Jesus”, “God”, and “the Holy Spirit”. In addition, my friends, in spite of their youth, gathered often and prayed together, spending most of their time in the activities at MCC. As I said the above, I appreciated their sincerity on one hand, but on the other hand, I kept a secret distance, thinking they were too absorbed in their belief to see the reality.
By October, I found myself envying my friends. In other words, I had noticed that they had something that I didn’t have; they seemed spiritually secured, content with who they were, and filled with peace. That was exactly the opposite of myself at that time and in the past; I almost intuitively sensed that they were truly accepting themselves and living lives with joy.
This also meant that I had to face the fact that my seemingly successful life was never completely a satisfying one, which I had been sensing but unwilling to admit it. It was mortifying in a sense to be touched to the deepest spot within myself where I wanted to keep it as a secret. Now my pretension and hypocrisy was exposed. I began to wish, then, to break the invisible wall between my friends and me, not satisfied with the status of an “observer” any more.
There were many obstacles; one of them is the realization of “sin”. I was mixing it up with “crime”, which strictly meant violating the socially constructed law. I thought I was not so bad as to commit a “crime”, and so appeared my friends. I wondered why they were so humbling to think that they were so bad or “sinners”.
I was also quite doubtful about the power of prayer. In my mindset, if you had wishes or desires, you should try through your own efforts to make them reality, or nothing would happen; I was thinking only “I” was reliable or responsible, and I even despised inwardly the idea of dreams coming true only by praying; it just seemed nonsense. You can see that I was so self-dependant, but I had to be, because I didn’t know any other way. Since tonight is mainly about prayer, I’d like to come back to this topic again later.
In the same way, lyrics such as “serve the Lord”, “offer my life”, or “sacrifice my body” were totally out of question for me. My life was mine, and I had many things to do in future; so I thought I wouldn’t want to “waste” my precious time so much on such things as going to church or praying all the time.
The biggest barrier, I guess, was to accept God’s love that integrated all those elements. It was clear that their happiness, freedom, and satisfaction, which I was in want and desperately in need, were based on this belief that God loves each one of them deeply. I suffered all the more and got disappointed because I couldn’t have them, for I didn’t understand God’s love. I vainly deceived myself to hide my struggle, trying to see the unscientific side of their faith. My soul was thirsty, however, and wondering day and night how I could know God’s love. I even prayed in my heart, though half in doubt, that God would show His love to me, and I was thinking if He did, I would accept Him. That’s like testing-God attitude when I look back now, but that was the reality then.
Matthew 7:7 says “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” One morning in early November, calmly yet surely, the door was opened and God came into my heart in a gentle though powerful way; He had revealed His love for in answer to my poor prayers.
It was a usual morning with nothing extraordinary, but I found myself refreshed and filled with peace when I woke up. The world looked brighter, and my heart was somehow lighter. And then on, every day contained surprising blessings; people had been ever good to me, and I could see some remarkable progress in my English as well. Schoolwork was also getting under way. It was amazing.
As an another aspect of change, I used to be very indecisive, stopping for every single decision whether it’s serious or trivial. And yet, I had hardly felt at peace with those decisions. I would start regretting soon or worry over them more than necessary. This habit stopped, however, on the spot, and it became so much easier to make any kind of decision. I only had the strange conviction that this was the right choice, and it actually turned out to be so without exception. Even the little daily events seemed to be happening with purpose, and I was only amazed at how well all things worked together. I think I was experiencing what it is like to be filled with the Holy Spirit and be guided by Him.
Then, a natural question came into my mind; “why such good things were happening to me although I didn’t do anything special? To whom should I give thanks for these blessings?” Then and not till then, I came to relate this happiness to “God’s love”. Ah, this must be the indication of God’s love for me!
Everything seemed to make sense with this discovery; I naturally came to accept all what I did not understand before. It was as if entangled strings beautifully got straightened up. I learned it with my heart, not with my head/brain.
I guess I had been trying so hard to live the best life with my own effort by every time making the best choice; I had often been hard on myself and even others, which only produced disappointment or discouragement, rarely free from regrets and worries. That’s why, I think, it was such a releasing experience when this kind of my past attitude was put in question and gotten over.
Since then I have learned to enjoy just being myself; other people’s eyes didn’t essentially affect me any more. It was an inexplicable relief that God was in control and I did not have to lead my life on my own. It may seem obeying God’s will and making my own decision were contradictory to each other, but, in reality, they were only two sides of one coin.
Without notice, my “emptiness” and “loneliness”, haunted in the heart for a long time, had disappeared like the snow melting before sunshine. What’s left or replaced were “joy” and “happiness” of living, “gratitude” for everything, and “love” for others.
I had made up my mind, by then, to get baptized and become a Christian. To be more precise, I just couldn’t wait for it; since God faithfully showed His love for me, I wanted to respond to Him by what I can do first as a follower of Christ. At the same time, I also wanted to express my gratitude to my friends by this who’s been supporting me in many different ways. I did take my time though to ask for permission of my family in Japan, which was unsuccessful, to discuss with my friends about the situation when I go back to Japan, and so on. After those periods, on December 7th, 1997, I was baptized.
Now I can tell that my year off for the sake of Anne of Green Gables was actually planned for me to meet God. When I think about the course of my life, there was so little on which I made the choice――I didn’t choose the specific host family in summer, Coming to love at MCC as a result was most unexpected, yet it was the key to my salvation. God has prepared the way long before I was conscious like Psalm 139 says. It looks even silly that I was thinking I had been living with my own strength.
As you can see, my view of life had completely changed in less than half a year since I left Japan. In reality, the spiritual uplift described above didn’t last long; I had to realize with great pain and sorrow that life did not get easy just because I became a Christian, or that the case was even to the contrary. I got discouraged many times, feeling as if I went back to the old self. Yet, in those shaky moments, the strong assurance and the joy of this first experience have been sustaining my walk with Him.
As I promised, I’d like to come back to the part about prayer and ‘d like to share the most updated testimony.
＜A chat with Michelle＞ One of my friends, by MSN Messenger just recently, revealed that my friends had been praying for me since I arrived there.---that I feel welcomed, that we can become good friends, she said they prayed for opportunities, and that God’s love would reach me and would consume me. As I said, they were never pushing or preachy, just always included me in their activities, or just being there as friends. Yet behind those scenes, prayers were lifted up for me, and of course, God answered them. I kind of began to guess so, when I started to pray for someone’s salvation, which I do now and the list is quite long, maybe my friends at the time would have been praying for me, yet was never sure until a few days ago. So, it was really a beautiful revelation and the late-blossomed blessing, and now once again, I am more convinced of the power of prayer.
I believe believing in God and believing in prayer, in other words, faith and prayer go or work hand in hand. We pray because we know there’s someone who’s listening, and we pray because we trust He—the Mighty One will answer our prayers.
posted by Mindy @ 9:58 AM
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